Best joke of the week

----- After you have read it please make sure you don't fell off from your chair......         Best joke of the week A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile... .Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read : To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've reached Date: 16 Mar 2008 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

 

Back Safety

 BACK SAFETY AWARENESS

A healthy back can save you a lot of pain and increase the quality of your life.
Back Safety Facts      - Back injuries afflict more than 1 million workers each year.
      - Back injuries account for 1 out of every 5 workplace injuries.
      - 4 out of every 5 back injuries occur to the lower back.
      - Most occur when lifting or lowering an item.  (Lifting Safety)
Common Causes of Back Pain      - Poor Posture (sitting, standing and sleeping)
      - Physical Conditioning (weak abdominal and leg muscles can contribute to
        back pain)
      - Tension and Stress (Tense and knotted muscles lead to imbalances)
      - Age (as we get older, disks and cartilage in your back weakens)
      - Disease (osteoarthritis, bone spurs)
      - Trauma (Impact trauma like a car accident, Repetitive trauma like frequent
         lifting)
Maintaining a Healthy BackGood Posture in all positions is critical.
      - Keep bones and joints in proper alignment
      - Support your lower back when sitting
      - Keep your feet flat on the floor when sitting
Movement  - Don’t get stuck in one position
      - Don’t stay in one position for more than 20 minutes.
      - Keep moving and give muscles a break with microbreaks every 15 minutes
      - Stretching is great to help maintain a healthy back and avoid injury.Exercise
      - Walking, Biking, Jogging, Swimming are all ways to strengthen back muscles.
      - Basketball and other outdoor sports are great.
      - Simple exercises done at home or work like sucking in your stomach or
        pulling your knee up to your chest can all help protect your back.
      - Keeping the abdominal and leg muscles fit can help protect your lower back.
ACTIONS:      - Stop and Review your posture.  Is it correct?
      - Use caution when lifting heavy or awkward boxes or items
      - Start doing simple exercises to improve your fitness.

Tintumon

Dad to Tintumon: When I beat you how did you control your anger?
Tintumon: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Tintumon: I clean it with your tooth brush.


Dad: Do u know how 2 swim?
Tintumon: No.
Dad: A dog is better than u! It can swim.
Tintumon: So do u know how 2 swim?
Dad: For sure!
Tintumon: Then, what's the difference between u and a dog?


Tintumon called FM radio & said
"I've found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card & an ID card of Mr.Rodney, No.13,Halls ….
Radio jocky : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Tintumon : no……. i just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him…


Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," tinumon said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …"
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" Tintumon finished.


Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers"


Prof.: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Tintumon:BA
Prof.: For Sodium?
Tintumon:NA
Prof.: What will we get if 1 atom of Barium & 2 atoms of Sodium combines?
Tintumon:"BANANA"

The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program.
“There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning,Wouldn’t it be better to hear one at a time?”
Tintumon shouted, “Okay – you start.”

Teacher: Imagine u r a millionaire. Write ur life history.
Tintumon didn’t write.
Teacher: why are you not writing?
Tintumon : I’m waiting 4 my secretary 2 take notes….



PASSIVE VOICE
teacher: Write the passive voice of " I made a mistake"
Tintumon: " I was made by a mistake"


PROFESSOR
A professor to tintumon: "what is attention deficit hyperactive disorder?"
Tintumon: "JIMBALAKDI PAMBA"
professor: "I don’t understand anything"
Tintumon: "same 2 you"


PTA Meeting
Tintumon: Dad, there is a small PTA meeting at school tomorrow…..
Dad: Wat do u mean by a small PTA meeting ?
Tintumon: its… just u, me & the Principal !


Techy Tintumon
Teacher: Write a C program to prevent TITANIC from sinking..
Tintumon:Declare the variable TITANIC as float…!

A day spent without laughter is a day wasted.

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都是一辈子,有意思

都是一辈子,真有意思

大有和天成从小生活在一个村，一起上的小学。 大有从小顽皮,不好读书,十六岁初中没毕业离开了学校；天成自幼好学,成绩优秀,十六岁考上全市里最好的高中。

   1.大有每天在村里晃悠，爹妈看着发愁，心想这孩子将来怎么办呀；天成每日都苦读诗书，父母喜在心里，村里人都认定他必有出息。

   2.那年，大有和天成都是十九岁，大有跟着村里的外出打工，来到了高速公路的工地，保底工资三千块；天成考上了一所重点大学，读的是道路与桥梁专业，学费每年五千多。

   3.那年，大有和天成都是二十三岁大有的爹妈给他说个巧媳妇，是邻村的，特别贤惠；天成在大学里谈了个女朋友，是邻校的，很有文化。   

   4.那年，大有和天成都是二十四岁，大有在老家结了婚，把媳妇带到工地上，来给他洗衣做饭，恩爱有加；天成终于大学毕业，找了施工单位工作，跟女友分居两地，朝思暮想。

   5.大有每天很快乐，下了班就没事，吃了饭和媳妇散散步，晚上便和工友打麻将看电视；天成每天很忙碌，白天跑遍工地，晚上还做资料画图纸，好久不见的女友跟他分手了。

   6.那年，大有和天成都是二十八岁。大有攒下了二十万，已是两个娃娃的爹，心想着回家盖栋漂亮的楼房；天成过了中级职称，还是单身一个人过，心想着再干几年就是高级了；

   7.大友在农村老家盖了两层小楼，装修很漂亮，剩的钱买了一群小猪仔，让媳妇回家种地养猪；天成在城里贷款买了一套新房，按揭三千多，父母给介绍了新女朋友，在城里上班很少见面。

   8. 那年，大有和天成都是三十一岁，大有媳妇从老家打电话来说：大有，现在家里有房有存款，咱喂喂猪，种种地，很幸福了，家里不能没有男人，你快回来吧；天成媳妇从城里打电话来说：天成，小孩的借读费要十五万呢，家里没有存款了，你看能不能找公司借点。

   9.大有听了媳妇的话，离开了工地，回老家跟老婆一起养猪，照顾父母小孩；天成听了妻子的话，更努力工作，去了偏远又艰苦的工地，很难回家一次。

   10.那年，大有和天成都是三十五岁，猪肉价格疯涨，大有的一大圈猪成了宝贝，一年赚了十几万；通货膨胀严重，天成的公司很难接到项目，很多人都待岗了；

   11.那年，大有和天成都是五十岁了，大有已是三个孙子的爷爷，天天晒着太阳抽着旱烟在村里转悠；天成已是高级路桥工程师，天天顶着太阳皱着眉头在工地检查；

   12.那年，大有和天成都是六十岁了，大有过六十大寿，老伴说：一家团圆多好呀，家里的事就让娃们操心吧，外面有啥好玩的地方咱出去转转；天成退休摆酒席，领导说：回家歇着没意思，返聘回单位做技术顾问吧，工地上有什么问题您给指导指导；

   13.大有病了一场，大有拉着老伴的手说：我活了快七十岁了，有儿有孙的，知足了；天成病了一场，天成抚着妻子的手说：我在外工作几十年，让你受苦了，对不起；

   14.……由于长期体力劳动，吃的是自家种的菜、养的猪，大有身体一直很硬朗，慢慢就恢复了。由于长期熬夜加班、天成喝酒应酬、工地食堂饭菜也很差，身上落下很多毛病，很快就去世了。

   15.八十岁的大有蹲在村头抽着旱烟袋，看着远远的山；远远的山上有一片公墓，天成已在那里静静睡去；大有在鞋底磕磕烟灰，拄着拐杖站起身，望了望那片公墓，自言自语地说：唉，都是一辈子呀…

    谨以此向工作在一线的同行们致以最高的敬意！你们付出了青春、爱情、亲情甚至生命，你们也是最可爱的人。

   人的一生很短暂，希望大家给自己多一些时间，给家人多一些关爱。在战斗一线少喝酒、少抽烟、少熬夜，照顾好自己的身体和健康。

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Have a good laugh. It is good for your heart

Relax & Laugh a bit, u will be healthier.   Have a good laugh. It is good for your heart     Lady: Is this my train Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi. Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.                                                  ~~~~~~ Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power. He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power. But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power.                                              ~~~~~~~  Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?  Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.                                                  ~~~~~~  Customer: Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?  Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?  Customer: No, I can't.  Waiter: Then does it really matter ?                                                   ~~~~~~  Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting, "Daddy!  Daddy!  I got a 100 in school today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the living room and tell me about it." "Well,"  began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."                                                     ~~~~~~ Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.  Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.                                                      ~~~~~~  Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.  Waiter: That's all right sir, he won't drink much.                                                     ~~~~~~    Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.  Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.                                                  ~~~~~~~~~ Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.  Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?                                                     ~~~~~~~  Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?  Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.                                                    ~~~~~~~  1st thief: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!  2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.  1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .                                                   ~~~~~~~~  Man: How old is your father?  Boy: As old as me. Man: How can that be?  Boy: He became a father only when I was born.                                                  ~~~~~~~~~ Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.  Waiter: Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?                                                    ~~~~~~~  Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again? Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.                                                       ~~~~~~~ An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.' 'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?' said the man.                                                      ~~~~~~~   Girl: Do you love me?  Boy: Yes Dear.   Girl: Would you die for me?   Boy: No, mine is undying love.                                                      ~~~~~~~~ Wife: Do you want dinner?  Husband: Sure, what are my choices?  Wife: Yes and no.                                               ~~~~~~~~  Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?  Post Master: Yes sir, it definitely will.  Customer: I bet you, it won't.  Post Master: Why not?  Customer: It's addressed to Mumbai.                                               ~~~~~~~~   Signboard Outside A Prostitute's House: Married MEN Not Allowed. We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy....                                                   ~~~~~~

 

Life is About Correcting Mistakes

THIS IS ESPECIALLY FOR COUPLES BUT EVEN SINGLES CAN LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM IT.


ENJOY!

Jocelyn married William this day. At the end of the wedding party, Jocelyn's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook. With $1000 deposit amount.



Mother: 'Jocelyn, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriage life. When there's something happy and memorable happened in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with William. When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.'

Jocelyn shared this with William when getting home. They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made.



This was what they did after certain time:



- 7 Feb: $100, first birthday celebration for William after marriage

- 1 Mar: $300, salary raise for Jocelyn

- 20 Mar: $200, vacation trip to Bali

- 15 Apr: $2000, Jocelyn got pregnant

- 1 Jun: $1000, William got promoted



.... and so on...

However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things. They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world.... no more love...Kind of typical nowadays, huh?



One day Jocelyn talked to her Mother: 'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We agree to divorce. I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!'

Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you really can't stand it. But before that, do one thing first. Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'



Jocelyn thought it was true. So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account. While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. She left and went home. When she was home, she handed the passbook to William, asked him to spend the money before getting divorce.



The next day, William gave the passbook back to Jocelyn. She found a new deposit of $5000. And a line next to the record: 'This is the day I notice how much I've loved you thru out all these years. How much happiness you've brought me.'

They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe. Do you know how much money they had saved when they retired? I did not ask. I believe the money did not matter any more after they had gone thru all the good years in their life.



When you fall, don't see the place where you fell, instead see the place from where you slipped. Life is about correcting mistakes.


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七个问题就能测出你的全部

引导语：相不相信如果你如实回答下面的七个问题就能测出你的全部呢？

包括你的爱情、性格以及金钱世界观。听起来好像很玄，但经过测试才发现确实很神奇。让我们都来领略一下吧。

一、 现在有两颗鸡蛋，一颗是生的，另一颗是熟的，而现在有四个地方让你放鸡蛋，那请问你会将蛋放在哪里???（可以放在同一个地方，也可以放不同地方，但必须 记住"生"和"熟"分别放在哪里喔！）

1.树上 2.水中 3.土中 4.口袋中

二、在奇幻的世界中，长了一棵恐怖的树，因为它有一个血盆大口，可以把人给吞下.你认为这棵树是利用什么方法来让人接近，进而捕食呢??

1、用美妙的歌声使人心醉

2、模仿对方恋人的声音

3、散发迷人的树香

4、利用飞翔在他周围的小鸟使者

5、什么都不做，只是静静等待好 奇的人走过来

三、人吃饭的习惯是自小养成的，从其中也非常容易表现出一个人的性格。在使用刀叉时，您是如何切割、叉起的呢??

1、从左端开始切，一块一块的吃

2、从右端开始 切，一块一块的吃

3、把全部切成小块后，再一块一块的吃

4、从中央开始切，一块一块的 吃

5、只切一小块吃

6、吃法经常改变

四、现在伸出你的双手 选出你最喜欢的一只手指 不分左右 只能选一只喔！

1、拇指

2、食指

3、中指

4、无名指

5、小指

五、如果你戴著一顶" 红"色帽子，你会搭配什么色系的饰品??

1、红色

2、灰色

3、蓝色

4、绿色

5、黄色

6、紫色

7、咖啡色

8、黑色

六、用你的直觉排出下面你最喜欢的物品的顺序...

1.山 2.海 3.花 4.火车

七、想一想当你肚子有点饿，又不会太饿。而 你手边又有一堆录影带、港剧时，你会拿下列哪一样食物来活动唇齿??

1、糕点、饼干类

2、披萨

3、炸鸡、汉堡、薯条

4、牛肉面、饭类

测试结果：测试结束了吗？记住你的答案，一起来解密你的性格特点！

一、对爱情的看法及态度 生的蛋表示婚前、熟的蛋表示婚后

树上――表示眼光高而且很会挑

水中――表示爱情观是一切随缘

土中――表示爱情观滥情

口袋――表示爱情观很专一

二、你会为什么原因而撒谎？以及你所撒的谎究竟伤人有多深？

1、用美妙的歌声 使人心醉

会为了讨人喜欢而撒谎，若以日行一善的精神来看， 很多事情你应该都会给予添油加醋，当然这并不算什么恶意的谎言，但如果谎言逐渐扩大的话，就容易在众人面前丢脸，即时你没有说谎，有很多事情也会因为过份 的夸大而让对方有所误解，所以，你对于任何事情都要谨言慎行。

2、模仿 对方恋人的声音

会 以认真的态度说谎，是个撒谎高手。当然，这谎言不管是善意与否，在还没被揭穿之前，是很少人会因此而受伤的，之所以如此说，是因为一旦这个谎言被识破 时，就会让人遭受很重的的打击，而这也是这类撒谎高手的特征，正因为你是这类型的人，所以大家对你的印象会有股深怕被出卖的感觉，而这种感觉会越来越强， 所以，为了自己，即时只有千分之一被识破的可能，也绝对不可以撒这个谎。

3、散发迷人的树香

你不会利用谎言去伤人，可称得上是诚实的人，开门见山的说，你是个不善于说谎的人，只要你想说谎就会被别人看穿，也因此，你的名誉不会受损，反而会有很多 人认为你很这样很可爱。

4、利用飞翔在他周围的小鸟使者

有 撒谎时喜欢找代罪羔羊的倾向，为了使谎言变得有说明力，你是否常使用"因为某某人说。。。"或是"从某某人那里听来的。。。。"等语句呢？如此以来，当 谎言被识破时，那个人的信用也跟着完蛋了，所以当你在编造谎言时，这个责任应该由你一个人来承担，如果把别人也卷入你的谎言中，那就太令人难堪了。

5、什么都不做，只是静静等待好奇的人走过来

属于绝不撒谎，忠厚老实的人。最痛恨的就是欺骗别人，也正因如此，即时对方不想听的事实，你也毫不隐瞒的全盘托出，结果通常是伤人很深，在必要时，你也要 机灵的学会撒谎。

三、测量你的性 格

1、从左 端开始切，一块一块的吃

最普遍的情况，这种人非常重视形式，喜欢一般认为合理及正常的事，有一种强加自己的生活方式或思想向别人推销的倾向。若是觉得自己想的说的正确无误，就很 难再去听取他人的意见。

2、从右端开始切，一块一块的吃

性格比较温顺，也是较易为对方着想的那一类人。一般认为，此类的人较易和他人亲近而打成一片，即时心里有什么不愉悦之处，也不会表现于外，通常都能和谐相 处。

3、把全部切成小块后，再一块一 块的吃

自己想要的东西无法立刻得手时，就会急躁不安的类型。想要做的事情，不管遭受到多少反对也会一意孤行。另外，这一型人喜欢照顾、安慰别人，当他人有烦恼时 不会置之不理，而会伸出援手。对于人的喜恶会明显的表示出来不加掩饰。

4、从中央开始切，一块一块的吃

属于才干型的人，常会因考虑其个人本位之种种而较自私自利。若有什么想做的事则会毫不犹豫地去做，是座而言不如起而行的那一型人。比较善于社交，广结人 缘。

5、只切一小块吃

是一个道地的现典主义者。能使生活和自我相互调和，并且有社交性，和谁都可以说上几句话并应对自如。工作能顺利完成，关键在于能与他人通加合作。

6、吃法经常改变

性情易变，所以经常会无法适应人群，在工作或私生活上也是如此，常因无法与他人合得来而造人误解。

四、了解自己对什么角色比较看重

1、拇指――父母

2、食指――兄弟姐妹

3、中指――自己

4、无名指――情人

5、小指――小孩

五、测试你的EQ并代表你的心情

1、红色

你有非常积极进取的个性，充满活力、朝气与热情，你对人生满怀希望，期待自己迈向成功的人生，你永远不在乎挫折，跌倒了会再站起来拍拍灰尘往目标前进

2、灰色

你很重视自己份内的工作，从来不会把工作推给别人， 无论多么的辛苦也希望自己完成，你的品位及做人做事原则与众不同，不过有时缺乏周详的考虑。

3、蓝色

你是个典型的实行家，善于参与你喜爱的活动而且确实采取行动，执行能力强，但不善于发号施令，要小心因参加太多活动而忽略了生活品质，使自己所爱的人离 去。

4、绿色

你喜欢享受新奇的事物，对朋友来说，充满情感的你常有热心过度的现象，帮助别人之时，常常给人有好管闲事的印象而惹人生气，喜欢享受大自然生活，适合旅行

5、黄色

你喜欢过富丽堂皇的生活，注重面子，讲究排场，由于你的努力上进，成功与胜利的祝贺经常萦绕耳边，你对人生充满期待，采取乐观进去的态度。做事有魄力，能 够独当一面，只是缺乏规划能力，应当多听听幕僚的意见

6、紫色

你喜欢充满刺激、具有挑战性的生活。懂得把握自己的机会表现魅力，生活美满且多姿多彩，因为你是热情又好奇的人

7、咖啡色

你是个重视名誉和尊严的人，习惯在平淡的生活中求取进步，对人非常宽厚，从来不在乎周遭的朋友有什么过失，你只是安分守己的过生活，是个平凡可靠的人。

8、黑色

你的思考条理分明，非常具理性，乐于为人服务。有许多理想和梦想没有实现。你现在想认真完成一些工作来弥补未完成的梦想，有认真工作接受命运安排的性格。

六、你选择另一半的考量顺序

山――健康

海――内涵

花――外表

火车――性

七、测出你个性的特点

1、糕点、饼干类

你的个性天真、活泼、恬淡，又容易相处，且性情温和，乐于助人，是个标准的乐天派。

2、披萨

你具有艺术家的自傲性格，叛逆味道极重。最好收敛点你的自以为是。

3、炸鸡、汉堡、薯条

你是个标准的现代人，你讨厌孤单、害怕寂寞，感情脆弱的可以，一般而言你缺乏冲劲。

4、牛肉面、饭类

你有些愤世嫉俗，所以你对于与他人之间的礼貌往来，及社交活动，都显得不耐烦和排斥。

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